Technotropolis, Calif.—With the release of our latest operating system and our newest line of smartphones, we’re excited to announce that Your Current Phone is now an obsolete piece of shit!

We’ve been working non-stop to minimize your device’s functionality while increasing the amount of memory required to handle mandatory updates. By the time we’re done tampering with that radioactive paperweight you still call a smartphone, you’ll be banging at the door of your nearest production plant, begging for any shiny device with a reasonable battery life.

“Your Current Phone was the best product we’d ever made, but our New Model is even better. You should buy it,” J. Ander Nichols, senior vice-president of constant marketing, said.

Outdated Hardware, Overpowering Software

Notice that your apps are unmistakably slower? You must’ve finally given in to those near-constant update notifications we’ve been blasting out!

Introducing the world’s (temporarily) most powerful operating system, “OSn+1,” also fondly known as the Reason Your Current Phone Dies When You Try to Do Anything with Less Than Seventy-eight Per Cent Battery Life.

Snapchatting without Wi-Fi? Your phone just crashed. Listening to the “Hamilton” soundtrack while scrolling through devastating political news? Not with this cold, black screen you’re holding. Booking a car to J.F.K.? Hope you memorized the license plate! (Dead phone.)

Designed for a Wired Past

Your Current Phone continues to use a Poorly Made Charging Cord, assembled from rusty old Chinese metal. We salvaged it from the ashes of one of our burned-down factories. That warehouse went up in flames! Probably faulty wiring. Anyway, your phone can barely carry enough juice to light a birthday candle, so keep that cable close.

Oh, and is that a headphone jack, or are you just a sorry, stingy little loser? Both! While everyone else has gotten audio buds implanted into their skulls, you’re still hanging strings from your ears. Cute.

Cracked Display

Unlike our New Model’s gorgeous Liquid Graphene Super Duper Diamond Orgasm Retina Display, your current screen looks like shards of glass held together with Trident gum. Don’t bother getting a protective case at this point: everything on the market has already been stretched and/or shrunk to fit our slightly bigger and/or smaller New Models!

Have you noticed those random patches of your touch screen that don’t respond anymore? We threw those in with the new OS! Is it water damage? Heat damage? Who knows. We’ll let you explain to your mother why you “physically couldn’t pick up” when she called you six times to ask if you got the promotion yet. Take a good look at Your Current Phone, and then ask if you would hire you for the job.

Your Current Phone Comes in One Color: Faded

Remember when Your Current Phone was that new Space Something color? It was so modern, so exciting. Its current color, Faded, is an unappealing pale finish intended to remind you of what once was. All those ambitious projects you started but never got around to completing. The people in your life who inevitably faded away, even after promising to “hang out sometime soon.” The old flame you thought could be “the one” but turned out to be yet another dead end on the path of your sad, meaningless life.

You Look Like an Idiot

Why are you still using that old thing? Do you also take a steamboat to work? Do you travel by handcar on a railroad like some cartoon character from the twenties? You don’t deserve green text messages, let alone blue. We should change the color of your texts to red, so we self-respecting members of society can steer clear of you and that thing you pretend is still technology.

Is Something Wrong?

You were once a valued customer! What’s holding you back now? Don’t you want to feel special again? Are you having trouble accessing our Web site? Are there issues at home? Is it the price? Have you tried making more money? We have lots of money—you could always work for us!

Sorry, We Went Too Far

Clearly, you’re struggling right now and don’t need us to rub it in. Enjoy being a bullheaded Luddite with that fossil of a phone glued to your palm. Far be it from us to try and save you from yourself.

The New Model Is Already Obsolete

Just take it. The Even Newer Model is where it’s at!

By Nehemiah Markos and Jed Feiman

-30-

…….it that ain’t fun………I don’t want none…….

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